Seymours Adventure, The Epiphany Part II Cont.

That moment came several months later as Sister Seymour and Sister Po sat together in the courtyard taking in a spectacular sunset. “Ah” Sister Po said “ His Majestic Presence is Undeniable this day! Don’t you agree, Brasshopper?” Sister Seymour nodded slightly causing his mentor to ask “why the long face? Then he hit her right between the eyes with a question that was long over due but prepared for. “What is the meaning of life?” he asked. Sister Po turned to Sister Seymour and stared at him for several excruciating moments. She looked deep into his eye as if to be regarding his very soul. Then slowly she brought her hand up and pointed at him with her index finger. His eyes grew wide and his heart started pounding in his chest. He thought..... is Sister Po telling me that I am part of the meaning of life? The excitement was welling out of control as he was about to ask if that is what she meant. But before he could ask the meaning of the gesture Sister Po said “Pull my finger, Brasshopper.” Shaking with anticipation the young nun took hold the index finger of his master and teacher and gave a yank.


It took about 20 minutes for the air to clear and another 15 for Sister Seymour’s eyes to stop tearing and burning. He caught a glimpse of Sister Po sitting on the bench next to him. She still had her finger out but was now giggling and trying to stifle even greater laughter. Tears were running down her cheeks and she was obviously having difficulty regaining her composure. Sister Seymour was trying to make sense of it all when it hit him like thick mist off a tar pit. He had just been subjected to His Undeniable Majestic Fragrance and it contained a message for him. He could see with greater clarity now than ever before. The message was simple:

“ SOON YOU SHALL KNOW. LOOK FOR A CLUE IN MOTHER INFERIOR’S PANTY DRAWER UNDER THE FISHNETS AND DON’T GET CAUGHT.”



Sister Seymour looked over at Sister Po to see if she as well was made aware of the message. Sister Po was now looking directly at Sister Seymour and she was saying “oink oink oink oink oink.” She was clearly in rapture. But as Sister Seymour was observing her teacher Sister Po suddenly became completely composed and said “It’s a pork fat thing, Brasshopper.” Then she put her face close to Sister Seymour’s face and yelled “BAM.” It was evident that she was now speaking in tongues and only His Undeniable Majestic Presence could possibly understand. Sister Seymour decided that this was a good time to leave her mentor to her rapture so she got up from the bench and walked away. As he was walking across the courtyard he could hear Sister Po yelling:



“ Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear. Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair. Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn’t very fuzzy was he?” This caused him to pause and contemplate the meaning behind those words. Sister Seymour glanced over his shoulder and noticed that all the other nuns were racing to Sister Po in order to be part of the rapture. Among them was Mother Inferior. “This is my chance” thought Sister Seymour. So he headed directly toward Mother Inferior’s cubical and her panty drawer.

He arrived at the cubical in a matter of seconds and to his astonishment he found that Mother Inferior had failed to set the deadbolt. In her haste to be part of the rapture Mother Inferior left her door unlocked! Sister Seymour slowly opened the door and surveyed the room. It was similar to his with the exception that Mother inferior had a Sleep Number bed and a bathroom as opposed to the chamber pots the other nuns had to use. She also had her own brass spittoon. Across the room he saw a dresser with six drawers. He opened each until he came to the panty drawer. He tried not to rearrange things too much so as to not give away that someone had rifled thru the drawer. Sister Seymour searched cautiously while keeping a wary eye out for Mother Inferior’s possible return. He was suddenly startled by a collective shout “WHOA DOGGIES.” He heard coughing and the sound of gagging coming from the area where Sister Po was in rapture. “The finger again” he muttered to himself. Mother Inferior wouldn’t be back any time soon. He was relieved. Sister Seymour finally located the fishnets and there hidden beneath them was an old faded yellow post- it- note. He gently removed it and unfolded it and began to read. As he read his eyes began to fill with tears and his hands were shaking. He gasped when he realized the significance of the note! “I didn’t know I had a last name much less how to pronounce it” he exclaimed. The nuns had never told him. They only called him Seymour. He felt a little bitterness rise up in him and also a feeling of betrayal. The note was obviously from his father and the nuns never told him! Obviously his father was a kind and caring person for having let Seymour know about his full name. Certainly the milk of human kindness runs through the very veins of his father and his father was out there. Seymour’s daddy was beyond the convent walls and probably searching desperately for Seymour at this very moment. How could these nuns have kept father and son apart? Seymour knew he had to think all this out so he replaced the note exactly as he had found it. He left the room and closed the door behind him. Across the courtyard all the nuns were prostrate on the ground except for Sister Po who was now reciting the multiplication tables. Incorrectly. Seymour needed a plan. As for now he would act as though nothing out of the ordinary was taking place. He walked across the courtyard holding his nose and stepped over Sister Sally on his way to the dining hall. He was famished and more than a little bit pissed.


Finding the note occurred six months ago and here Seymour still sat reflecting on his life in the convent. Why hadn’t he acted by now? What did the wonderful note reveal about his father who must certainly be a great man? So thoughtful was Seymour’s father that he attempted to prevent Seymour from making a complete ass of himself! Then a dark thought entered his mind. Could it be possible that his father was attempting to prevent Seymour from succeeding in this area? No, the note was far too warm and loving. Seymour shook it off.




Sister Seymour finished his self reflection and prepared to join his fellow nuns for the morning meal. He put on his dress and scapular then donned the white coif and veil. Lastly he wrapped the knotted sash around his waist and departed for the dining hall. Since finding the post- it- note he became a little paranoid. He tried to conduct himself in all the usual manners so as to not arouse the suspicions of the others. While he still had no plan he knew he had to do something and something soon. He had learned just the other day that Sister Moonbeam (formerly Sister Bodica) had mentioned to Mother Inferior that he had been spending a lot of time by the short wall. Now the short wall was the northern most wall of the convent. It was 12 feet high and some of the cooler nuns referred to it as the “net wall” because that was where the basketball net was hung. Sadly, it was also known as the “problem wall” because the nuns were constantly cleaning obscene graffiti off it. Little did they know that he was the source of the graffiti ever since he found the note. The most offensive words he wrote were “rice is not nice.” This sent the convent into a turmoil and despite regular surveillance they were unable to locate the source.

Sister Seymour went about the day normally attending the morning meal and noon meal and choir practice with Sister Shania. The tempest brewing within him went unnoticed. After choir practice and just before the evening meal he went once again to the short wall and just paced back and forth. This did not go unnoticed as Sister Moonbeam and Mother Inferior were watching from the kitchen. “What do you think Sister Seymour is up to?” Mother Inferior inquired of Sister Moonbeam. Sister Moonbeam responded “I have no idea, Mother Inferior. If he had a ball and was shooting some hoops that would be different. But basketball season doesn’t begin for another two months.” “Well keep an eye on him, Sister, in case he needs our comfort.” Mother Inferior went about her chores while Sister Moonbeam studied the movements of Sister Seymour.

Sister Seymour could feel the heat of their eyes on him. He knew now they were probably suspicious of something so he tried to act normal. He picked up some pebbles and threw them over the wall. Nothing out of the ordinary here since they all did it. As he stooped to retrieve more pebbles he noticed something protruding ever so slightly from the dirt. He brushed the dirt aside and wrenched the object out of the hole he had created. It was an odd shaped thing. It was about the size of his fist and had a crusty brown hide. It also had white nodules protruding from it in a couple of places. It definitely had weight to it. He started to toss it over the wall but hesitated at the last second. Sister Seymour held it up to his face and sniffed it. It smelled earthy which didn’t make any sense to him. Next he noticed that the white nodules actually looked like eyes and they appeared to be staring back at him. He wasn’t sure if it was the object that spoke to him or Devine inspiration of His Undeniable Majestic Presence but he clearly heard the words “BITE ME” and with that Sister Seymour opened his mouth as wide as possible and sunk his teeth into the hide.

Sister Moonbeam watched in utter disbelief. It appeared that Sister Seymour had just eaten dirt and was going for a second helping. She called to other nuns to come see and they all rushed to the window with eyes as wide as saucers.


Seymour was eating the object as fast as he could. His mouth and lips and teeth were slobbering with dirt but he didn’t mind. Except for the dirt the “thing” was relatively tasteless, but it was edible and it had been here all this time. Was this another cruel hoax perpetrated on him by Mother Inferior? As Sister Seymour studied the half-eaten find tears began to well up in his eyes and he started giggle and tremble. He took his new food jab it at the sky and shouted:

“As His Undeniable Majestic Presence is my witness, I will never eat lousy again”!!!!!

Sister Seymour sank to his knees sobbing with joy. In the kitchen all the nuns watched as this drama played out. All were wondering what it was that brought Sister Seymour such joy. Mother Inferior and Sister Moonbeam were becoming very concerned.

Sister Seymour noticed another of this food in the dirt and clawed it out of the groung with his fingers. He held this one up to study and noticed that it was larger than the first and it had two nodules next to each other definitely giving the appearance of eyes. He searched around on the ground and found a large prickly sand spur and placed lower but between the eyes. He smiled which gave him an idea. Sister Seymour quickly located six more sand spurs and place them in a semi circle under the first one. He howled with laughter as he looked at his creation. It appeared to be smiling at him and he was smiling back. He asked for Devine guidance on what o call his new “friend.” He doesn’t know where the inspiration came from but he heard it loud and clear. He would name his new creation “Mr. Potato Head.” He was pleased with himself and immediately knew what he must do.

Sister Moonbeam also knew exactly what Sister Seymour had in mind and started yelling “He’s gonna do it!” “He’s gonna do it!” “Do what?” Mother Inferior yelled. Sister Moonbeam screamed “He’s gonna rabbit!” With that all the nuns burst from the kitchen via any rout available to get to the courtyard and Sister Seymour beyond. Sister Twister was even seen climbing out the drive-thru window in desperate hot pursuit.

None of this was lost on Seymour as he calmly removed his knotted sash and tied one end in a loop. “Don’t do it!” He could hear the charging nuns scream. He was focused and calm. Not even a herd of rampaging nuns could sway him from his course. He threw the looped end of the sash toward the top of the wall in an attempt hook one of the spikes that lined the top of the wall. On the third attempt he was successful. The nuns were closer and he could hear Mother Inferior urging them all on. “Get him!” “Don’t let him get away!” Sister Moonbeam, who was the strategist among the nuns peeled off from the chase with two other nuns and headed for the gate. If Sister Seymour made it over the wall then the three of them would tackle him on the other side.


With the sash securely affixed to the spike Seymour picked up Mr. Potato Head, and shoved him into his granny panties. Seymour grabbed the sash and using the knots as a rope ladder he was quickly atop the wall. From here he could see Sister Moonbeam rushing to cut off his escape. He could also see the other nuns reach the foot of the wall exhausted and out of breath. No longer a threat! Moonbeam was a different story as she was very quick and very determined. Seymour told himself and Mr. Potato Head “We are outta here!” Seymour dropped off the wall and landed particularly hard causing him to fall. Moonbeam screamed “You’re all mine now you transvestite freak of nature!” “You’re going down and you are going down hard!” “I’ve been on to you since day one, Buster!” “Never trust a nun that never changes her name!”




Seymour sat at the base of the wall momentarily stunned but the vitriol being spewed by Sister Moonbean shocked him back to reality. He had reason to fear Moonbeam because she was the only one he could not take in the ring. If she started throwing punches, he was screwed. Seymour checked his ankles fearing a sprain. He was ok thanks to the sturdy nun shoes that gave support to his ankles and feet. (He was very glad he decided not to switch when Mother Inferior approved Reebok as an alternate form of foot wear.) Moonbeam was moving in for the kill! Seymour jumped to his feet and adjusted his granny panties so that Mr. Potato Head was in a more advantageous position and took off running as fast he could. Moonbeam and her two cohorts were trying to triangulate Seymour forcing him to do some very fancy broken field running. He glanced over his shoulder and a bit to the side only to see Sister Alfie gaining. Sister Alfie pulled along side Seymour and opened her arms like a bear hug was coming but at the last second Seymour threw his arm out stiffly and caught the sister on the side of the face throwing her off balance. Seymour watched as she tumbled helplessly across the rocky ground. One down he thought and picked up the pace. He could see as he looked back that Moonbeam was fading and would soon be out of the race but that still left Sister Jones and she was a sprinter and clearly faster than him. He needed a strategy to deal with this final threat and decided on a bold maneuver. He stopped running. He turned and faced Sister Jones who had a look satisfaction written all over her face. Seymour could see Moonbeam’s expression change as well as did her speed. Sister Jones came sprinting right at him yelling “Come to Papa” “Whose your Daddy?” When she got within about 15 yards Seymour hiked up his skirt, turned on full steam an began running directly at Sister Jones whose eyes widened in surprise. They were on a collision course and it looked to Sister Jones like he was wearing a cup! Sister Jones realized there was going to be full body contact so it was her only hope to knock Sister Seymour down as well as herself and let Sister Moonbeam issue the Coup de Gras. As the two bodies went hurtling toward each other Sister Jones became completely distracted when she thought she saw a face looking at her through Sister Seymour’s granny panties. Sister Jones plowed passed Seymour but not before he put his foot out catching her ankle and sending her sprawling across the gentle meadow. Her gasps for air were music to Seymour’s ears as it was a clear indication she was down for the count. Moonbeam was crestfallen. Her one last best hope was laying on the ground. Seymour was booking as fast as he could. His skirt hiked and his veil flowing he was yelling:

“ FREE AT LAST, FREE AT LAST, THANK HIS UNDENIABLE MAJESTIC PRESENCE, I AM FREE AT LAST”

Moonbeam shouted in response:

“You can run you coward, but you will never be able to run far enough!” “I will hunt you down even if it takes me to the four corners of the earth!” (Sister Moonbeam bucked conventional wisdom and believed the earth was square)


She walked over to Sister Jones, who was mumbling something about a face. Moonbeam gave her a swift kick in the ribs and said ”Lil’ miss Sister Loser. How are you this fine day? Looking a bit tired. “Why do we even bother giving you steroids?” “Loser” snarled Moonbeam.



Sister Moonbeam watched as Seymour ran toward the setting son and silently hoped he would fall off the earth. “This isn’t over by a long shot, Faggot. We will meet again and you can take that to the bank!” Moonbeam swore. Disgusted she turned toward the convent gate but not before kicking Sister Jones in the ribs one last time.

TO BE CONTINUED