Seymour Recipes Adventures Part 1

The day broke beautifully with a bright warm sun and light zephyrs to carry the fragrances of nature to the nostrils of the nuns of the convent of His Undeniable Majestic Presence as they took their morning meal. The nine nuns of this small convent had committed their lives to internal reflection and living lives of poverty and self denial. They lived behind the walls of the convent in quiet serenity avoiding all contact with the outside world so as to not sully their purity. They were unconcerned with the matters of the world around them and were concerned only with their humble and self-deprecating ways. All were equal and none better that another. So much so that the leader of the nuns referred to herself as Mother Inferior. Before she became Mother inferior she was known simply as Sister Tyrone. The Order provides that the nuns may take any name they wish including names usually associated with males. They did this to bond more closely with Him and to further humiliate themselves as was their calling. The Order also provides for the nuns to change their names at any time and as often as they wish. It was their sacred right. There were some moments of hilarity at the convent when two nuns would simultaneously and unsuspectingly change their names to the same name! An example of this was when two sisters changed their names to Sister Lowenstein. It took days for the other nuns to figure out who was who! Also, when a sister changed her name it caused a measure of excitement around the convent because it gave the impression that a new nun had joined the Order and the others would spend their evenings sitting around getting to know her.

Such were the simple and serene ways of the Sisters of His Undeniable Majestic Presence.
That was all about to change.

Today as with all days their meal consisted of cooked rice and brackish water. It was all they ever ate day in and day out month after month meal after meal. None of the nuns ever complained and always gave thanks to Him for all they had. What they had amounted to little.
The meal ritual was always the same as was the meal itself. Rice and brackish water served on tin plates and tin cups on a wooden table with nine wooden stools. Each nun, in turn, said a prayer of thanks to Him and Mother Inferior would go last attempting to bring all of the invocations together in one long spiritual and meaningful sentiment. The whole ritual took about three hours which consumed the greater part of the nun’s waking hours since they had three meals a day. Today, however, as Mother Inferior attempted to pull all the prayers together there was a loud banging on the convent gate that startled all the nuns. Their consternation was further amplified by the fact that this was a Thursday and their only visitor came on Saturdays. That sole visitor was the ancient Chinese lady, Hu Flung Poo, as she delivered the week’s ration of rice to the convent. Other than she the nuns have never seen another human being as contact with any other was forbidden by the Rules of the Order of His Undeniable Majestic Presence.


The banging became louder and more urgent and all the nuns looked at each other in amazement once again. All rose from their stools and hurried to the gate to learn what the commotion was. Mother Inferior had to restrain them all and remind them that she alone was the only one allowed to look through the eye slit in the gate. Dutifully the nuns formed a single file line and followed Mother Inferior out into the courtyard and to the gate. Along with their curiosity there was also an element of excitement as to why anyone would be pounding so vigorously on the gate. As Mother Inferior reached the gate and opened the eye slit she stared silently through it. Saying nothing was beginning to exasperate the other nuns and Mother Inferior could sense the growing discontent. Mother Inferior turned slowly and looked into the eager faces of her nuns and said “It is nothing, no one is there.” The look of disappointment washed across the faces of the nuns. The situation was mulled over by the gaggle and a suggestion was made that perhaps the person knocking was short and the eye slit too high. This prompted another suggestion that quite possibly the gate should actually be opened despite the fact it was Thursday to make sure they had not overlooked anyone. To everyone’s glee Mother Inferior agreed and disengaged the primitive lock and swung the door open. Again there was no one. As Mother Inferior started to close the gate, a sister noted a drab blanket on the ground to the side of the gate. All gathered around the blanket intently studying it. Then the blanket moved ever so slightly causing all the nuns to yelp and jump backwards. Sister Bodica, who had the quickest reflexes and was the least liked, was instructed to investigate the blanket. She stepped cautiously forward and kicked the blanket several times then with a quick move of her hand grabbed the edge of the blanket and whipped it up like a cape sending another bundle careening across the ground. She leapt like a tiger to catch it and was able to stop its bouncing across the ground. All the nuns now came closer to see what had been deposited at their doorstep. Sister Bodica opened the bundle and gasped. It’s an infant she announced. Is there a note, was the next question? Sister Bodica held the child before Mother Inferior and said that there was a yellow post it note attached the child’s forehead. Mother Inferior tore it quickly off the forehead causing the child to erupt into yelps and tears. Mother Inferior read the note aloud.

It read:

Dear Son,

You are going to grow up and be an idiot and an embarrassment and we don’t want you. We gave you a fictitious name so you can never find us. We named you Seymour Recipes. And just so you don’t go through life making a complete ass of yourself Recipe is pronounced “ray-SEE-pays”despite what anyone else may tell you. Good riddance. Love, Dad.

Mother Inferior was stunned at the cruelty of the infant’s father lamenting to her fellow nuns “What kind of monster would name his son Seymour?” “Sisters, we obviously have been blessed by His Undeniable Majestic Presence and it is our sacred duty to raise this child as one of us!” All the nuns enthusiastically agreed with Mother Inferior and the child was welcomed into the convent and a life of self- depreciation, poverty and meals of rice and brackish water. The nine sisters all agreed that this was a joyous occasion. Particularly pleased with this new addition were Sisters Michael, Charles, Scotty and Dennis. As they followed Mother Inferior back to the convent Sister Michael nudged Sister Dennis and held up four fingers briefly before holding up her thumb to indicate the number 5. Sister Dennis smiled slightly and winked at Sister Michael indicating she understood the significance of the gesture. She thought to herself as the procession marched across the courtyard....no more of this 5 to 4 crap.....the intramural basketball games were going to get a whole lot fairer. Sister Dennis then folded her hands in a silent prayer of thanks thinking all the time that His Undeniable Majestic Presence works in mysterious ways.

To Be Continued