The Culinary Adventures of Seymour Recipes Part II

The Epiphany

Sister Seymour sat on the edge of his wooden bed with a straw mattress alone in his cubicle. He was reflecting on himself and his life here in the convent of His Undeniable Majestic Presence as was customary before chapel and morning meal. He stared at the drab gray walls looking at the chipping paint. Since pictures and mirrors were forbidden the only things to look at were the four pegs on which his habit hung. Without mirrors the nuns had to rely on each other to tell what everyone looked like. Sister Seymour was told he had nice blue eyes and wasn’t particularly butt-ugly. He had to trust them for so much. He looked at the various garments that comprised his habit. The black dress. The black scapula. The white coif to cover his hair. The black veil. The sturdy black shoes that came up over his ankle and had 18 eyelets on either side. In addition to all this there hung a coarse thick rope which was worn as a sash or belt. His had seven large knots tied along it with each knot representing five years at the convent. He had been existing solely within the four walls of the convent for 21 years. He sometimes found himself wondering if there was anything outside the walls. The nuns told him no since the world was flat and if people go too far they fall off. They were better off here. He wondered.


Sister Seymour had to admit that he was well treated and there were always plenty of rice and brackish water so he would never go hungry. The convent had educated him to the best of their abilities despite a lack of educational resources. Each of the nuns had a teaching specialty that the passed on to Sister Seymour. For instance Sister Twister taught a grueling yoga course and sex education was taught by the vivacious and outgoing Sister Ho. However, his primary mentor and educator was the mysterious and stoic Sister Po. Sister Po taught Sister Seymour how to read and write and some rudimentary mathematics. Sadly Sister Po’s one weakness was her lack of math skills so Sister Seymour never really got the big picture. Despite this shortcoming Sister Po was considered the best and the brightest and respected by all. All also respected, and rightfully so, her penchant for Devine flatulence.

It was Sister Po that gave Sister Seymour his nickname as a child. She called him “Brasshopper.” The name originated when Sister Po observed young Seymour as he ran playing around the convent and hopping over the brass spittoons in the chapel. Others thought it was disrespectful but Sister Po said that she doubted His Undeniable Majestic Presence would be offended by His young servant playing with the spittoons. The matter was dropped but only Sister Po ever called him “Brasshopper.”


Sister Po was an enormous influence on the young Sister Seymour mentally, physically and spiritually. He worked very hard to learn his lessons and please his teacher. Sister Po was also a philosopher and lectured Sister Seymour on their religion as well as some of the other major ones. Sister Seymour learned that there was a large and powerful religion called “Catholicism” and its followers were called Catholics. He learned that the day of worship for Catholics was Sunday. He also learned of another important religion called “Judaism” and the followers were generally called Jews and their day of worship is Saturday. Sister Seymour learned that this was in stark contrast to her own new religion whose day of worship is Wednesday and then only after12 0'clock noon. The day is officially recorded in the terms of the Order as “The Day of His Undeniable Majestic Presence.” However, over the years it is just referred to, solemnly, as ” HUMP Day.”

Sister Po was also Sister Seymour’s marshal arts instructor and taught him all the old ancient ways of the Order. This is where Sister Seymour really excelled. By the time he was 14 he had earned black belts in Scratching, Biting and Clawing. Where Sister Seymour really excelled and became a Master was in Hair Pulling! Sister Po couldn’t have been prouder of her little Brasshopper.


Then a noise distracted Sister Seymour from her reflections. She listened carefully and then said aloud “Oh no, not this again.” Down the hall Sister Sally was practicing for the Annual Yodeling Contest and she would practice hour after hour for about a month before the actual contest. The practice seems to have paid off since she has won every year. Not a hard feat when you consider that there were no other entries so she runs uncontested. However, Mother Inferior requires all to attend and congratulate Sister Sally on her hard won victory. Sister Sally yodels for about three hours while her fellow nuns sit patiently with painted enthusiasm. Upon hearing Mother Inferior declare Sister Sally the winner all the nuns give thanks to His Undeniable Majestic Presence then they mob Sister Sally with hugs and since high fives are forbidden some nuns just jump straight up and clap their own hands together and shouted “Way to go!” Others stand with their arms folded across their chests and lean back a little and exclaim “You da nun!” Sister Sally gives a slight speech thanking everyone and promising to try even harder next year. Privately Sister Seymour thought the whole thing was ridiculous but has kept his thoughts to himself. He once suggested that he would participate if it was a hog calling contest but the idea never grew legs so he dropped it. He had to give Sister Sally credit however. She had certainly earned her title as the “Yodeling Nun.”

Sister Seymour snapped out of it and realized he had drifted from reflecting on his mentor and teacher Sister Po. He tried to blot out Sister Sally and go on reflecting on all the knowledge and wisdom Sister Po had imparted to him over the years. Sister Seymour had learned that the moon was actually a man that was made out of green cheese and there is a legend that a cow had jumped over it. When he asked Sister Po what cheese and a cow were Sister Po told him it wasn’t
important to know. Since she didn’t why should he? The logic was undeniable. Such was the wisdom His Undeniable Majestic Presence had bestowed on Sister Po and now she on him. But he did have questions which he was afraid to ask for fear of giving the impression that his mind was wandering outside the convent walls. He thought the ancient Chinese lady who brings the rice is out there. Where does she come from? Where does the rice come from? These were questions he pondered long and hard. He once asked Sister Alfie”What’s it all about?” He further asked that if living so isolated wasn’t a sign of ignorance and apathy. He thought for sure he had stepped in it now and fully expected a lecture. But instead Sister Alfie replied “ I don’t know and I really don’t care.” Sister Seymour now realized that he needed answers and the best place to get them was from Sister Po. He would just have to wait for the right moment and choose his words carefully.